People keep asking you if you're ok and you keep saying yes but you know you aren't ok.
Being an introvert is worse because everyone wants to surround you in love and care, offering to help, offering to listen, asking to bring food by when really, truly all you want is just some silence.
But then the silence , when it does come is overwhelming.
And you're in this awful purgatory of needing someone to please help you because you are drowning, while at the same time, needing to be left alone.
I fought back tears for weeks. I didn't even cry when it happened, in that moment, because I was so relieved for her.
I cried the day before, when she held my hand tightly and begged me to please stop the pain and I'd already given her all the meds I could, so I just broke down and said through the tears how badly I wished I could. And that I was sorry.
I felt so helpless.
I didnt cry at the funeral at all. But sitting in her living room, which is no longer her living room, broke my heart. That house which had been alive with her spirit just hours before, felt silent and empty and foreign.
The permanence of death is what I struggle with most.
Our last moment was our last moment.
I'm glad I spent so much time with her
I still feel I could have done more.
I said I would have no regrets.
I have regrets.
Her two daughters who disowned her 2 years prior were not with her. We were. They posted pics on Facebook begging for attention and sympathy. My sister wiped the foam from her mouth and the blood from her nose after she died. They sent one of their kids to sneak pics of her in the coffin. I wish theyd seen her face as she passed. I wish that's what they saw.
I hope that stolen picture of their dead momma haunts them until they die.
I hope their stupid grudge that they refused to drop out of nothing more than pride eats at them for the rest of their lives.
On top of all of this, I've had 3 different strands of the flu over the last 3 weeks. I've been to the hospital 4 times. I was hospitalized once for what they think was sepsis.
I just can't get better. My immune system is shot.
I have a pretty bad fever right now.
I've had insane dreams
All the pain meds/nausea meds/allergy meds from my hospitalization gave me temporary amnesia. I can't remember that day at all.
Where am I right now?
My sister came to my house today. My niece tried to kill herself, overdose, took an entire bottle of sleeping pills.
Luckily it was a kind you can't really overdose on, so no permanent damage.... but she said she's going to keep trying. She won't eat or drink or sleep.
My niece used to live with me on and off. My sister had a drug problem, couldn't take care of her. Her dad hanged himself on Christmas morning in 2013
So I'm surrounded by death. It's everywhere.
I think my fever is breaking. I'm getting hot. I'm about to strip down.
Despite everything I'm so grateful. At least I had today.
At least I had yesterday.
Here's hoping for tomorrow.
Slightly related pic, slightly related video: